OPEN ROADS

Ground rules are needed for dating in the age of AIDS

by Thom Sommers

Like so many others I recently saw the screen version of Jeffrey. Personally, I was able to relate to many of the issues presented. This movie was written by someone who clearly understands the fear, frustration, and loneliness associated with dating, for people living with HIV/AIDS.

"Don't ask, don't tell" means something completely different to those in the "spectrum." When sitting in a room of people who are infected, dating is often a common conversation topic. Many simply do not tell a prospective partner about their status, even if asked; some will confide their status only when confronted; and a few will inform this person up front. Although most people feel that for those carrying the virus there is an obligation to introduce themselves first by name, and second by status, there are few who will oblige.

ated. Jeffrey did not sugar-coat the issues of relationships and the fears experienced, not only by those of us infected, but also of those that are not. I would encourage everyone to see it.

The following list of "Dating Rules in the Era of HIV/AIDS" has proven to be very popular and helpful to many of us:

1. I don't volunteer personal information, like my HIV status, to complete strangers. If I met you in a sex club, or you insist on bedding down with me

| OPEN ROADS

In the past, for me, I thought I could just wait to expose my “secret." This only created distrust in the relationship and it slowly dwindled. Telling people up front was very difficult in the beginning, and still is now. I have learned, however, it gets easier with time.

This fear of admitting my status up front has very much in common with that of others who are HIV positive. Suddenly, people that were so interested in being intimate with you want now to only be your friend and “be there for you."

Everyone wants to feel that they are doing their part in this "Fight against AIDS." My initial reaction to these people remains the same: Lip service comes cheap and talk is just that, talk. As Steve says in Jeffrey, "I don't want to be anyone's red ribbon!"

Jeffrey clearly demonstrates, with some stereotyping, why dating is so difficult. None of us want to be alone and we certainly don't want to feel ostracized by our peers. We are, for the most part, good, loving people hoping to find commitment and a life-long relationship. The realistic portrayal of our struggle to create intimacy in our lives is much appreci-

after we leave a bar together, please remember that you are sleeping with a complete stranger, too. Of course, I'm committed to playing safe with you, but are my standards of safety the same as yours?

2. If you ask me my status-even if we've known each other only five minutes-I will be honest with you. But if you don't ask, I'll as-

sume my status is not important to you. 3. If the subject has not come up before then, I will tell you about my HIV status no later than the conclusion of our second date.

4. I insist that you have the moxie to take responsibility for your health. I'm not your safe sex teacher, so come to bed educated.

5. We're all going to die someday, but I might die before you. If you have a problem getting emotionally involved under those circumstances, please have the guts to say so. I'll respect you for it, even though it means that you will never get to know what a true gem I can be. All in all, I'd rather you exit at the starting gate than fall on your face at the finish line.

These rules appeared in the Ohio AIDS Coalition's Wellness Times, Volume 6, Issue III, Spring 1995, and was edited from British Columbia People with AIDS Newsletter,#77, April 1994.

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Please send all comments, concerns and questions to Thom Sommers, c/o the Gay People's Chronicle, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland, 44101.

Jeffrey J. Gerhardstein, L.I.S.W., A.C.C..

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